Life

This week has been one helluva week!  I am going through an ugly very emotional separation which for sure is now going to be a divorce.  I was stuck with an apartment that is $550 more in rent than I had been paying, a car loan for a car I didn't want or need along with my own car that is paid off and ALL of the remaining bills. 

My ex used me and the sad part is I allowed him to use me.  I really loved him but I knew within the first six  months we were doomed as a couple.  He had no respect for me and it was always all about him.  He met me, hooked me and treated me good at first and then after we were married, all of the red flags were coming up.  He had no money, he couldn't do much for himself, he had major control issues and he has very little respect for women.  Yet, this man knew who I was and what I was about.  He met me while I was on vacation in Santorini, Greece.  I paid for my own trip by myself and went by myself!  I was happy!!!  Then he came along and changed my life for the worse.

The story of my entire life.  I give and give and give until I can't give any longer and then I'm stuck digging my way out of debt, emotional wounds that have been ripped open and whatever else comes with it.  I wish sometimes I could be like those women that only use people, are bitches and could care less what others thing.  I said this to a couple of friends and they laughed at me.  They said it isn't in my DNA.  They don't know my mother!!!  Yet, I know I have a compassionate heart and spirit and it is hard for me to be mean and ugly to people.  It is just not in me.    Now because every time HE wanted something, I did it to make him happy.  Not that it mattered he didn't do shit to make me happy.  I wasn't even getting sex on a regular basis!!

The car was put in my name as he had no credit.  We moved from the apartment I had that I could afford because he wanted a place that was "ours".  When I told him I no longer wanted to be married to him, he decided he didn't want the car.  So now I have it.  I found the apartment so he had to move.  Plus I love my little place.   I am debating to turn it in as a voluntary repossession or just keep it and suck it up.  I HATE this car.  I hate driving it, I hate that it was his and reminds me of his trifling ass everyday and I hate that I put my name on this car for him and yet he continually tells me the dissipation of our marriage is my fault - I hate everything this car stands for in my life. Also, the main reason is financially I am struggling with a few things because now everything is on me.

He paid the car note, lights, gas and cable.  I didn't realize what a difference those few hundred dollars made to my life.  Now that I am paying everything, I am struggling!

I feel like Djimon in Amistad "I WANT FREE"!  I want to be free of this pain, hurt, embarrassment and debt.  I have my own bills and things but this pain I am feeling is becoming too much. 

You would think going to work would help alleviate some of this but work is a story in and of itself.  It takes everything in me to get out of bed each morning to come to work.  My boss has no personal empathy or compassion.  He dismisses me like I'm garbage on skid row.  I work for  him but he could care less who I am as a human being and it is quite evident of that.  I know as he has said it to me many times regarding other employees that "we should be thankful we have a job".   What a wonderful boss right?  He has done some great things for this company but as a boss, I have no words.

What i'm going through personally is not good and I feel so trapped, confused and helpless.  I actually thought about taking my own life on Tuesday.  That is how helpless I felt.  While everyone is telling me, "just think positive, what would I do without you, that's not the way to go".....the feeling inside is how will I ever survive this pain, devastation and embarrassment.  The ex was given a job at the  place I work, he has some of the co-workers thinking I'm horrible (he cheated over and over with the same woman) and yet I'm the one crying everyday, all day and getting sick on a regular basis.  I just want my good life back.  I was so happy and free before I met him. 

So I promised myself I would write everyday, I would take the time to really, truly get to know ME again and not let suicidal thoughts come into my head.

I am a proud, Black Big Beautiful Woman and I deserve love, happiness and wealth.  I deserve it!!!

Peace and blessings
Monique