Ok so today is the celebration of MLK and I am off from work. I have had a very nice full weekend. I am not lonely all of the time but this weekend I have felt quite lonely. Yet, I know in my heart this is not a lifetime sentence for me. I can't explain how I know this but I do know this without a shadow of a doubt. I just have to cleanse my mind and spirit from the men that have lingered in my spirit for way too long.
I am smart, beautiful, loving and kind. So why am I single right now? I know that I have to focus on getting me together and made whole. I have been a big girl as long as I can remember but I have never really lacked having a man in my life. Right now I have chosen to be single and without "a man" in my life.
Yes, I have been guilty of just having "some man" in life. I married my husband (whom I am separated from) I believe from desperation. OMG I have admitted this out loud and this will be in world wide web universe! But I have to be honest with myself and everyone if I want to have the life I want. Right?
I was about to turn 40, I hadn't had a real relationship in almost a year. So when I met him, he seemed to be really into me. The warning signs of him not being everything I wanted and needed in a man were there from the beginning but I chose to go with it and ignore these subtle signs. I love to go out to restaurants and have great conversations over drinks. He on the other hand was not a real talker. There was a bit of a language barrier but in my mind I told myself I would get over it. I like to keep my word and if I say I will do something, 9 out of 10 times I do. I also am a stickler about being on time. He wasn't.
Why did I overlook so many of the differences? I was turning 40, had never been married and I was a big girl. See for me being a big girl is not what the problem was in the desperation of wanting to be married. It was my age. I am a cute big girl and have always felt that way. I played a huge part in my marriage not working. I ignored many of the signs because I wanted someone on a permanent basis. Not someone that just comes and goes as he wants but someone who really wants to be with me and SHOWS it.
My husband showed it in the beginning of the relationship. Once we were married EVERYTHING changed. I do mean everything. Call me naive but I thought this is what happens in marriages, things change. When you have not grown up without positive, loving marriages around you it is hard to know what it is supposed to be. I knew in my mind I wanted a loving, kind, sexually insatiable, funny husband to share my life with. Did I see this first hand growing up? No. But in my mind, I would have this kind of marriage and God would make it work if I truly believed it could happen. Boy was I wrong!!!
Marriage is not easy if you two are not honest with each other and most importantly, honest with yourself in what you want in a marriage. You must be friends first!! I can't say that enough, be friends first. Know what you really want and need.
So why am I self reflecting now? Because in order for me to have the relationship I want, I have to be truly honest with what went wrong with the last one and I have to be honest with myself of what I really want in a relationship. That's the hard part...what do I really want in a relationship? Well, I am still working on that. I will let you know as soon as I know. I am a work in progress and this blog is part of my process.
Life and love are sometimes very hard but the reality is, WE make it hard. So now, I am working to allow life to happen and quit getting in my own way. How about that?!??!!!
Peace and love
Monique Renee
No comments:
Post a Comment