Light vs Dark

Split in two


Today I'm feeling all kinds of ways
My heart
My mind
My spirit
I'm split in two
One Light
One Dark
One that makes me laugh
One that makes me think
Both make me cream and shudder for more and more
Light is fun
Light is good
Light is love
Dark is inspiring
Dark is innovative
Dark is energy
   Energy that I haven't felt in a very long time
I think about the light and the dark often
I can't shake these feelings
I want to
I try to
But I can't
Yet, I remain split
I shouldn't be
Light is locked up
Dark isn't into things I'm into
With light I can be myself
With dark I hide myself
With light I feel open & free
With dark I feel closed & afraid
Yet, I remain split
Light brought the fun back into my life
With light I remembered  how to laugh and enjoy life
Dark brought my creative energy back to life
With dark I remembered I had goals and dreams
Yet, I remain split like my two names
Which one will I go with each day
Monique?
Renee?
How do I combine who I am into one?
No wonder there is confusion
I have these two worlds inside of me that I've been balancing all of my life
So now I need to bring Monique together with Renee to = One me
I wish I could bring the light and dark together to make the perfect man for me
Then I wouldn't be the me any longer split in two
I could then be the me who I am meant to be
Monique Renee
Love
Light
Peace
Yep, me
One heart
One life
One love

Love or LIke

How do you really know if you love someone or just really, really like them?  I understand the physiology of feeling good when someone touches your or you hear their voice on the other end of the phone call.  But how do you really know if it is love or not?  Now that I've been single for almost two years there are a couple of men that I have been involved with that I thought I really liked.  I knew it wasn't love or did I?  Am I so jaded by my divorce that I don't know or am not open to love?  Friends and family ask me over and over what am I looking for in a man.  Right after my divorce I knew I just wanted to have fun.  Nothing serious, just fun.  Now I'm ready for something more.  I think.  Maybe?   There is a huge part of me that is looking for someone to be more permanent in my life but I'm also looking for my alone time.  I'm not ready to live with someone just yet but I want to have a regular man who checks in on me, takes me out and someone I can cuddle with on those cold, rainy nights.  Is that too much to ask?  I don't think so.  I have had some very interesting conversations with men that I have been involved with.  They see the best of me and feel I am a good woman and they would love to lock me down.  Yet, I never felt that way about them.  Sure I liked them for what they were bringing to the relationship at that time but I knew it would never be more than two people having fun.  I knew getting involved with them would amount to nothing because they were not the type of men I would take around my family.  So why did I get involved with them at all?  Have I become so callus that I don't see these men as a human being with feelings?  Things I need to explore and figure out if I ever want to have a fulfilling relationship.  Right?  Right.

BBW vs. Thick

I am a big beautiful woman.  Not a thick chick.  A big beautiful black woman who loves who she is.  I would like to be more healthy yes but there is nothing like a big girl with confidence.  I am a big beautiful woman, not a thick chick!

Peace & Blessings

Dating or Sexing

Good morning world!  Is there a difference between dating and sex?  I'm amazed at how many people feel casual sex is so bad when it comes to women.  Why is it that only men can have casual sex?  So if you date a man and you are attracted to him and he is attracted to you, as woman you are supposed to suppress those feelings?  That is just crazy to me.  I don't understand that.  Men and women are sexual beings by nature.

I understand sex is better with someone  you care about.  But what happens when you care about someone and you become intimate and it's horrible?  I've been there and it was an ugly breakup.  I really cared for this man.  When we were dating he always showed up with a gift for me.  Flowers, candy, plant, whatever.  I was falling really hard for this man.  Then we had sex...it took mere seconds for me to know I was not in love nor could I ever be with this man.  I believe in the whole mind, body and spirit connection to another human being.  I want to feel connected to the man I'm with in my mind, in my body and in my spirit.

My mind needs to connect with an intelligent man.  All of that "you know what I'm saying, you know what I mean, you feel me" crap is not having an intelligent conversation.  When I meet supposedly grown men and they speak in that manner I know they are not real men.  A real man doesn't have to speak that way.  With my body I want to know we both enjoy each other intimately.  I am a big girl and have learned to become comfortable in my own skin.  Yes, I will have sex with the lights on.  Yes, I will walk around in front a man naked.  No, I do not feel insecure when becoming intimate with a man.  Why?  Because I know what I'm capable of.  I know who I am.  I know what brings me pleasure and joy.  Why be ashamed of my body?  There are so many men who are just as insecure as women.  In my dating journey I have heard many men complain about their own bodies.  "My calves, chest, arms, penis...are too small"  Believe me, if the penis is too small, he and I would NOT be intimate.

As for spirit connection, does his words touch my soul.  Does his life have any meaning?  Is he a positive influence in my life?  Does his love light shine bright or is it dim because of all his baggage?  At the same time I'm asking those questions of a man, I'm asking those same things of myself.

Sure I have my own baggage and I'm working through it all.  It's not easy but at least I can be honest with myself.  I am single, a big girl, a fun person and I happen to believe there is a difference between dating and sex.

Dating is when a man takes you out, spends money on you for dinner, drinks or movie.  Not a hotel.  Baby that is sex.

Dating and/or Sex

It's been a while!  But I've been busy dating and/or sexing.  Yes big gurls can date and/or sex casually.  Some don't believe it can be done but it can and is being done.  I like to date but if there is a strong attraction I feel I must handle that attraction before going further.  See I once dated a man who was wonderful.  Every time he showed up for a date, he had a gift for me.  Flowers, candy, plant, whatever.  I was falling hard for this man.  I was telling my best friend, "Girl I am in love".  She would laugh at me and ask, "have you two been intimate yet"?  I would answer and tell her "no, not yet, and it doesn't matter because I love this man".  Then we became intimate.  Huge disappointment.  He was a horrible lover and very small if you get my drift.  He didn't feel sex was important but for me it was.  That was the first time I knew good sex was really important to me.  Yet, I am being told I am a lot like a man when it comes to enjoying sex.  I can enjoy sex with a man and not get emotionally tied into him. 

Here is my take on dating and/or sex.  I would love to be in a committed relationship and I am now seeking just that.  Yet, coming out of a loveless, sexless marriage I have some raging hormones that need taming.  So in the meantime I am enjoying some casual sex.  Is it wrong for a woman to enjoy casual sex?  Some say yes and some say no.  For me it's been a great experience to have a no strings attached sexual relationship.  It has been a truly freeing experience for me.  If I don't like their conversation, I don't have to listen to them.  I shut them up with a kiss.  Shallow yes, but honest. 

It is almost like a double edged sword.   There are more men that don't know what it means to date.  Those that like to date are the older men.  A few older men I have dated are really old to me.  I love going out and I love the attention but the conversation usually dulls after the appetizers and before the main meal.  How do you date and keep the spark?  That is a hard question. 

A lot of men don't believe in dating.  I've had men say to me that they don't want to be considered some woman's trick.  Meaning they don't want to be a man that does for a woman.  Meaning a man pays when you go out.  In my eyes that is a sorry excuse for not being man enough to do for your woman if you care about her.  Even a casual sexual partner of mine would expect me to provide condoms for him.  Now if I am not asking anything of him but great sex, couldn't he at least provide the condoms?  He didn't understand why I wouldn't see him.  Really???  Yet, if you want to get to know me and date me, that means spending some money.  I'm 45 years old and I don't believe in kicking it or just hanging out.  I like going out, having drinks and dinner.  Or if it is a casual thing, bring your own condoms. 

Younger men are more realistic when they approach me.  I love that about these younger dudes.  They either haven't learned to lie or they get it that they will get more if they are honest with women.  There are no pretenses, no drama, no extra baggage.  Maybe they are too young to have any baggage. They are still looking for love.  Maybe the love is comfort and passion.  Whatever it is I am loving it!  Oh and the sex with these younger men....off the chain!!!

Bottom line is this, men will be men.  They will also do to us what we allow them to do.  I am learning as I go along in this dating journey every man is different.  I sit back and listen to what they are saying and not saying.   Action absolutely speaks louder than words.  And a lot of these men talk but can't back it up.  So I am learning what I like, what I don't like, what I will put up with, what I won't tolerate, why kind of woman I am, what makes me tick and what makes my heart sing. 

One thing we have to remember is our lives are spiritual journeys.  We are here to learn and grow to move on to the next level of spirituality.  I am wanting to get my lesson and move on.  Yet, in this process I am wanting love.  Deep, passionate, true, honest love.  I plan to keep looking and hope you do the same.  Big gurls there is real love out there but we must first love ourselves!

Peace & Blessings
Monique Renee

Dating or mating

Dating or mating?

I am on a view dating sites and it's a joke!  I'm not sure if it's me but what happened to men being MEN?  You know, call a woman up, actually have a conversation, make plans for dinner or the movies.  Call the woman again, make plans for dinner or drinks.  Call the woman again for an intimate dinner or drinks.  THEN maybe move on to discussion for intimacy.  These men that I keep encountering start off with sex talk.  Am I so old now that the men I dated before no longer exist?  Did some sweep happen here in Los Angeles.  You know what I mean; a sweep of men who actually believe in romance for sex?  Tell me where those men are.  That is the man I want.

Or how about the men who claim to live locally but live in another country?  What is your surname?

Dating at 45 is scary enough, then add online dating at 45.  I will go one even further, dating at 45, online and being a plus size african american woman.  The percentage of available, honest, african american men who are interested in plus size women, online is probably 2-5%.  That's what i'm working with.  Yay me!

But you know what?  That does not deter me or make me feel there isn't someone out there for me.  I have a yearning in my heart and soul that awakens me at night.  I feel him so close to me in my dreams that I wake up still feeling the heat of his embrace.  Now for soul vibes to connect.  It will happen.  I feel it deep down in my spirit.

Big girls and internet dating

It has been so long since I've blogged!  That's because I've been busy.  Dating, dating and more dating.  Dating for us big girls is a challenge for some.  Yet, for me, it's fun and exciting.  It's like a holiday, you never know what you will find in that box.

I have been dating older, younger and my same age men.  They are pretty much the same other than age.  They all claim to want someone who is honest, real and not into games.  Yet, they all play games, lie and are not real.

There are many truths to dating.  Do you know what you want in a relationship?  Marriage?  Sex buddy?  Friendship?  If you don't really know, how will they know what you want.  Believe me, men are not mind readers.  As much as we would like them to be they are not.

I'm still in the looking for a friend, with benefits  that could maybe develop into something more.  I haven't found him yet but I am having so much fun looking.

Following are a few facts that I have learned:

Fact #1:  If they say they are 6' they are actually 5'8"
Fact #2:  If they say they want honesty, don't be, their ego's can't take it, no matter how macho they appear to be
Fact #3:  If they say they don't want a woman that plays games, just know they are playing a game with you within the first meeting.
Fact #4:  Be honest to yourself as to what you want first and then you can handle them
Fact #5:  Be honest about your size.  I always show full body pictures of myself.  If I can't love me, why should they...right?
Fact #6:  Remember you are beautiful no matter what size you are.  Size 10 or a size 30....do you and remember there is someone out there looking for you..