Life and what WE make it

It has been a while since I have written anything.  I promised myself that I would write everyday no matter what.  This is part of my goal to get my emotions out and not into my mouth.  For you you folks fighting food addiction, you know exactly what I mean.

So today I walked 1.5 miles.  YAHOO!!!  It has been years since I've a trail.  I've done the Walk Off the Pounds at home and it was nice but today a friend and I went to a trail and walked.  Now mind you, we are both big but he's a not as heavy as me and he's a lot more active than me.  Plus he's a man!!!  So I have a road ahead of me in the weight thing.

I am becoming more healthy each day.  I'm a big girl and I've been a big girl as long as I can remember but I don't feel sexy any longer.  I feel I'm too big now.  I want MY sexy back!

People have asked me how much weight to I want to get rid of.  I honestly can't answer that as I just want to be off of certain medications.  So for me I want to get rid of the extra weight that has me taking medications, making my heart beat faster and makes me sweat like I've run 10 miles and i've only walked 1.5 miles at a slow pace!  So I want to be healthy vs. skinny.

I could never be skinny as I love my curves.  How could I not love my curves, my beautiful smooth brown skin, full lips and sexy brown eyes.  This is a full package.  I like who I am but I am learning to LOVE who I am. 

Loving me means I am quitting smoking, eating what makes my body healthy, not heavy and knowing when to keep the wall up around those who won't love me the way I deserve.   That means loving me enough to say now.  Loving me enough to say I've had enough.  Loving me to say, "I like you but I'm not interested and I am secure enough to wait for the right man". 

So many big girls go with the first man that comes their way because they think they may never have better or no one will give them a second look.  Believe me, there is ALWAYS someone better for you out there if who are with is inconsiderate, selfish, doesn't take you around his friends or his family, or takes you out period, who only visits you in the evening, who asks you for money and truly shows you that he doesn't care.  No matter your size there is someone for everyone.

This is not some fairytale dream.  Even if you are a big girl, there are men who will love you for you.  I have never had a problem getting a man.  The problem has been the kind of man I caught!  Some were wonderful but we just didn't click.  Then there were those times I had a lack of judgment and found myself involved with someone who treated me bad.  Yet, now I understand I was ok with myself, most of them had their own self-esteem issues but put them off on me.  I also had one or two who got with me and THEN decided they wanted me to lose weight.  Needless to say, those relationships were over as soon as they mentioned my "being too big" for them.  There are men who will say it for the good reasons and those men are the ones that really love you.  I've had a few of those men as well. 

I could be one of those women who pretends that I don't need a man but I'm not that woman.  I want and need a man in my life.  I love being with men.  Yet, what does all of this mean.  I am getting myself into better shape because I'm back in the game of dating.  Plus I want to live a long life.  I'm 44 and don't want anyone to worry about having to take care of me anytime soon.  Now when I'm in 80's yes, I will want and need the help.  But at 44, 50 or 60 I want to be able to take care of myself health wise.  So that is exactly what I am doing.  Taking care of me in every single sense of the word.

Life is what I make of it and as of today, I choose to be happy, healthy and sexy!!!  What about you?

Peace and love

Love

I want to feel love to the core of my soul.  Like light clouds enveloping birds heading south in the soft billowy clouds, wrapping me with a wisp of a touch.  Love will touch my soul without the touch of a hand.  I know that love exists and I want it for myself.  They say if you give love you will get love.  Yet, I also now know that I must be wholly in love with myself to give that love.

Love is like the jamaican sun caressing my skin
Love is like a smooth, warm savory rum flowing down my throat
Love is like a nice smooth taste of a fine herb that covers your tongue, pallet and spirit
Love is the look from across the room with eyes that says I want you more than you could ever imagine
Love is when you feel the hairs on your neck rise just knowing the person your soul craves is near you
Love is when you know without a shadow of a doubt that it will be returned

Love
Love
Love

So many of us are searching for it but do we have it in us to give

Are we willing to love this person in spite of all of their flaws
Are we willing to be patient for them to work through their stuff
Are we willing to be there for them no matter what
Are we wiling to encourage, uplift and support even if we are not sure of their decision
Are we willing to just BE with the person our soul calls for

I say yes

Am I sure I can live up to that kind of love
Am I sure I want that kind of love

This I do know
I want to walk into the room and feel the love of my man embrace me with just his presence
I want to know that I am safe with him
I want to know he will protect me
I want to know he will profess his love to me and to any and every one
I want to know he will provide for me
I want to know he only wants me

No other woman makes his desire burn like I do
No other woman's voice caressing his ears the way my voice does
No other woman makes him feel the way I do

I want him to be all mine and mine only
I don't share
I won't share

I will comfort, support, and love you all of my days

I know you are out there and I am ready for you
I am waiting for you
Only you
Because you are the one that has my heart yearning for REAL true love
I know you exist
I wouldn't have this desire, this urge, the tugging at my spirit for what is missing

You are my spirit
You are my soul
I am here for you
Waiting for you
All you have to do is look
I'm here

I'm here


I'm here

This thing called "relationships"

Ok so today is the celebration of MLK and I am off from work. I have had a very nice full weekend. I am not lonely all of the time but this weekend I have felt quite lonely. Yet, I know in my heart this is not a lifetime sentence for me. I can't explain how I know this but I do know this without a shadow of a doubt. I just have to cleanse my mind and spirit from the men that have lingered in my spirit for way too long.

I am smart, beautiful, loving and kind. So why am I single right now? I know that I have to focus on getting me together and made whole. I have been a big girl as long as I can remember but I have never really lacked having a man in my life. Right now I have chosen to be single and without "a man" in my life.

Yes, I have been guilty of just having "some man" in life. I married my husband (whom I am separated from) I believe from desperation. OMG I have admitted this out loud and this will be in world wide web universe! But I have to be honest with myself and everyone if I want to have the life I want. Right?

I was about to turn 40, I hadn't had a real relationship in almost a year. So when I met him, he seemed to be really into me. The warning signs of him not being everything I wanted and needed in a man were there from the beginning but I chose to go with it and ignore these subtle signs. I love to go out to restaurants and have great conversations over drinks. He on the other hand was not a real talker. There was a bit of a language barrier but in my mind I told myself I would get over it. I like to keep my word and if I say I will do something, 9 out of 10 times I do. I also am a stickler about being on time. He wasn't.

Why did I overlook so many of the differences? I was turning 40, had never been married and I was a big girl. See for me being a big girl is not what the problem was in the desperation of wanting to be married. It was my age. I am a cute big girl and have always felt that way. I played a huge part in my marriage not working. I ignored many of the signs because I wanted someone on a permanent basis. Not someone that just comes and goes as he wants but someone who really wants to be with me and SHOWS it.

My husband showed it in the beginning of the relationship. Once we were married EVERYTHING changed. I do mean everything. Call me naive but I thought this is what happens in marriages, things change. When you have not grown up without positive, loving marriages around you it is hard to know what it is supposed to be. I knew in my mind I wanted a loving, kind, sexually insatiable, funny husband to share my life with. Did I see this first hand growing up? No. But in my mind, I would have this kind of marriage and God would make it work if I truly believed it could happen. Boy was I wrong!!!

Marriage is not easy if you two are not honest with each other and most importantly, honest with yourself in what you want in a marriage. You must be friends first!! I can't say that enough, be friends first. Know what you really want and need.

So why am I self reflecting now? Because in order for me to have the relationship I want, I have to be truly honest with what went wrong with the last one and I have to be honest with myself of what I really want in a relationship. That's the hard part...what do I really want in a relationship? Well, I am still working on that. I will let you know as soon as I know. I am a work in progress and this blog is part of my process.

Life and love are sometimes very hard but the reality is, WE make it hard. So now, I am working to allow life to happen and quit getting in my own way. How about that?!??!!!

Peace and love
Monique Renee

BBW and Men!!!

I'm a very cute big gurl and I love who I am. I am not as healthy as I use to be but I'm working on it. I am not a size 12 big gurl I am a 22/24 - 26/28 big girl. I have been big as long as I could remember and I have NEVER thought I wasn't cute. Hey let's face it, I am cute. But I don't feel as sexy now.

I am going through a separation and it's not as easy. Yet, I know I'm still cute. I don't feel as sexy but I am working on that.

What I wanted to write about is MEN!! Ok just because I am a big girl I am not desperate for a Man. I have always had attractive men on my arm. I have never really had a problem getting a man. Yet, I now know how the big gurls with really low self-esteem kind of feel like because I feel almost invisible to men.

I blame it on my age. I am 44 years old and not as young as I use to be but I still love all of the things I use to. So this one man who I have known for a few years ( I dated him a while ago) has come back into my life. We are both going through some relationship things but this dude just flakes and falls off of the face of the earth. Is he walking the talk? Hell NO!!!

He constantly tells me he misses me and that he really wants to be with me, not just a part of me but ALL of me. So he flaked a few weeks ago and I kind of blew him off. Well then he started calling (cell, home and work) and texting me everyday for the last three days. Well I decide, ok I will give him another chance. He said he wanted to go to dinner and then us hang out together and talk. I said ok. I also told him if he's going to be my friend I need to be his friend as well. I also told him he is not showing me he wants to be with me. He must convince me he really wants to be with me.

I had to work late, so I called him and told him to go ahead and have dinner but I will call when I get home. I get home, call him and he calls back saying he's on his way. I shower, light candles and relax and then an hour later he calls me saying he can't make it. He had another engagement with his family that he forgot about.

Should I give him another chance or kick him to the curb?

Let me know your thoughts!

MR

Rejuvenation

It is a new year and a new life for me. I went alone to Montego Baby, Jamaica to rejuvenate my mind, body and spirit. Right before the trip I found myself becoming nervous and I didn't understand it. Yet, in a way in my heart I knew I did. I really was starting my life over after a brief marriage. It was scary and exciting at the same time. I prayed and truly meditated over ending the marriage and it wasn't easy to do so but I did end it. It still hurts from time to time but it was best for me to move on.

Some how I thought going to Jamaica would make me feel like a beautiful, smart, capable woman again. That wasn't the purpose of the trip I have come to figure out. I will always be beautiful, smart and capable of whatever I need to do. This trip was about forgiveness and letting go of the anger and bitterness of the marriage. I thought I was over being angry and I wasn't. I thought I was happy but I wasn't.

Now I am back home and I have come to realize, happiness truly comes from within and no matter what, we must all find it! Embrace happiness and enjoy it. Laugh at the silly stuff. Eat the piece of cake. Too many "I can't" will lead you to a miserable life. Enjoy the life God has blessed you with.

Even if you are alone, God is always with you. It make not be the strong arms that you want embracing you at night but you are taken care of.

Get to know yourself so when the right person does come along there will be no question as to if this is the right person or not. Love should not be hard. Love is very simple and easy.

May love find us each and everyday throughout our lives.

Peace and blessings!