Men

Ok so I'm dating again and it has been an over whelming and very scary thing to do.  But I keep trudging on. 

I'm a big girl and I like big things.  I always say I have champagne taste on a beer budget.  But that does not pertain to men.  I want the best of the best. 

Right?  RIGHT!!!

Dating

Wow men are such a trip!  Or is it us ladies?  So now that I'm single again I'm putting myself back out in the crazy mixed up dating world again.  I am doing online dating.  Yes, online dating.  Is it scary?  For who me or the men?   It is pretty scary, wondering if they will like me, will I like them or if there is any connection in person.  We can IM and talk on the phone but until we meet that is where the real truth comes to play.  So yes it can be a little scary but this is life, right?

I'm 44, so I'm older and more wiser than I was 10 years ago when I was doing online dating.  Or so I would like to think.  It seems much hasn't changed since then but I like to call myself an optimist.  Now even though I'm a big girl, I know what I want and need.  Yet I get the thugged out, wannabe, don't have a job men or the seriously old men.  So now I'm trying to figure out what am I putting out that is attracting the men I don't want.....but I'm starting to get it.  These men do not see themselves as I see them.  They only see themselves for what they think they are.  They believe they are exactly what I need without really getting to know me at all. 

I am a big girl and there are occasions I think I'm a super thin, tall supermodel but that is in the comfort of my home.  I'm not approaching me like I'm that other woman.  I approach them as me, big, beautiful, sexy and funny me.  I have been a big girl all of my life and I am pretty comfortable in my skin.  I have some bad days where I want to be thinner but I'm still me.  I don't hide or try to cover it up.  I post full body photos of myself and in my profile I say that I am a big girl.  Yet these little tiny men approach me online.  I will break their little bodies in two.  LOL 

I'm 44 and love to go out, laugh and have fun.   I am looking for a mature man who shows up to his life everyday, a man who is honest, a man who is funny, a man that makes me laugh and a man that loves new things and places.  I would like him to be taller than me and have a job.  I'm not asking for a billionaire nor am I asking for Blair Underwood.  Either one would be nice but I am looking for the right man for me.  Not anyone else's man but the right man for me. 

So I will continue my quest for love and fun and let's see where this takes me.  I will look for love on the streets of LA and online.  Let's see what will come my way.   Keep the positive vibes up for me. 

Peace and blessings!

Monique Renee

What am I waiting for?

Each day I have a 40 minute drive to work and some days and hour drive home.  Usually I'm on the phone with a friend or relative to ease the drive.  The last few days I have been just riding and listening to music and my head.  My head keeps reminding me that there is something more in life I'm supposed to do.  My spirit keeps tugging at me to get busy and take care of my life in so many ways.  Yet, I struggle with really following my own dream.  I struggle with taking care of me.  I struggle to know that I deserve the best for me.  Why do I struggle?  FEAR!!!  False Evidence Appearing Real

Now I have to really walk on faith and prove that I can do whatever it is i'm supposed to do and that I deserve it.

Just for today I will love myself and know that I provided for, protected and professing!!!

Watch out now!

Monique Renee

Doctor's office.

I feel good today.  Not sure what it is that has clicked.  Well maybe I do.  I had been feeling down about myself and not sexy any longer since my separation.  I couldn't stand that feeling but I couldn't shake it.  I thought going to Jamaica and having all of those sexy chocolate men hitting on me would make me feel better and it didn't.  Then IT happened when I least expected it.  I was at the doctors office on Monday (pneumonia for the third time this year....that's why I quit smoking!!!) and I heard this male voice in the waiting room and thought to myself what a nice voice but I figured it would be attached to some unattractive OLD man.  Like i'm not old.  LOL  Well I walk out of the office and there is a very handsome, well built cute drop of chocolate sitting there.  He said hello to me as I was saying goodbye.  Then he asked me why was I sad.  I asked him to repeat his question and he asked why wa I sad and I told him I wasn't sad, just sick with pneumonia.  He told me to get out of the cool air and have a great day.  Just that very tiny dialogue had me feeling sexy and attractive again.  I felt like I could go on with my life and meet other men.  Now mind this young man was probaby in his 20's and talking to me like he would his mother but it made my day.  I now have a little extra spring in my step again and I have the young man at the Doctor's office to thank for that!

I'm getting my sexy back ya'll watch out!!!

Much love and blessings

Monique Renee

Just for today

I took the original Just for Today and changed it a bit to fit me.  I have told myself over and over in the last few months that I am ok and I am not.  Going through a break-up of a marriage is very hard.  Even if you know it's for the best, it is still very hard to deal with.  The emotional impact it has on a persons spirit, self-esteem and image of who they are to the core is VERY hard.

I waited so long to get married and when I did, I thought it would be forever.  It wasn't to be for me.
I know this ending of my marriage will be good for me in the long run but is hard as hell to deal with some days.  Yet, every morning I wake up, I thank God that I did wake up because it gives me another day to become stronger and better.  That is the easy part.  The hard part is actually getting out of the bed and moving around to get ready for work.

I had not cleaned my house in almost two weeks.  That is not me at all!  I just didn't care at all.  On Tuesday night, I cared.  I cleaned the entire house, cleaned out the fridge, and two closets.  I truly felt so much better in my spirit after cleaning my house.  I woke up yesterday feeling great and clearer about my next steps to recovery from the break-up.  A clean house = a clear mind!!!

Here is my version of Just for today:

Just for today, I will love myself.

Just for today, I will be happy. The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.  ~Author Unknown

Just for today, I will treat myself with dignity, praise and compassion.

Just for today, I will read some knowledge and express it.

Just for today, I will take 30 minutes out of the day to write.  Journaling, blogging, notations for spiritual work…..I will write.

Just for today, I will work my life program.  I will eat healthy food.  I will exercise for at least 30 minutes.  I will take care of the vessel that holds my soul. (this hasn't really began...lol...God is still working with me on this one)

Just for today, I will send a card, note, email to someone that compliments them in some way.

Just for today, I will love myself.

Just for today, I will know that I am loved and protected.

Just for today, I will be positive with everyone I come in contact with.  I will see only the good in the person.  No matter how small the good may be. (I had NO idea how hard this one would be)

Just for today, I will keep the negativity away from me.  I will not allow anyone to speak badly of another person around me.  I will not speak badly of anyone.

Just for today, I will not allow anyone to mistreat me, speak down to me or not give me respect the way I deserve.

Just for today, I will love myself.

I have to keep reminding myself to love me first!   I've given my love away for so many years to people who did not deserve it.  That includes family members.  Someone said to me the other day that they felt Oprah wasn't going to ever be happy until she made things right with her parents.  I don't feel that way at all.  People don't understand, if you grew up with a loving mother and/or father you will never know what it's like to have a mother, the one that carried you and raised you treat you like the dirt on her shoe.  Love is patient and kind - not mean and hateful.  Not every mother is the same, nor is every father.  I feel Oprah helping her parents at all is such a wonderful thing to do.  She doesn't have to do anything for them at all but she does.  That's because of the giving spirit she has.

I never knew my father but I did grow up with my mother.  It was not easy growing up with her.  I use to try everything I could to  be a good girl so she would not be angry with me or beat me.  It never worked.  I ate for comfort and here I am now at the weight I am...320.4 pounds.  Crazy huh?  I try so hard to be strong and act like none of these things bother me but it does.  I get sad, I eat.  I am happy, I eat.  Just because, I eat.  Food has been my mother, my father, my friend for so many years that it is hard to break this relationship most of all.  I'm a sugar addict.  Donuts, cakes, cinnamon rolls, ice cream, cookies and candy.   Then I have to work with people who are skin and bones and have the nerve to be on a diet.  REALLY???!!!??!!!

Besides the weight thing, all I've ever wanted in my entire life is to be loved so much that I would feel it to the core of my spirit and know that I am loved and protected.  Because I want that, I give that kind of love.  I give love and expect that same love back.  Yet, I have learned that is thinking logically which is not never showed love or care.  Me and my siblings had to fight for survival each and every day.  I often wondered did she have a heart.  She wasn't raised that way at all.  My grandmother was very loving and kind.  

My sister and brother say I'm sensitive.  Hell yes I am.  See I was the one that got beat if THEY did something wrong.  I was the one that got yelled at because I wasn't watching my siblings like I should.  I was 6 years old.  I wasn't a mother, I was a child.

So now I am protecting that child and letting her know I've got her back 100% and I will take care of her.  I had to give up my marriage that had no reciprocal love.  I deserve someone better.  God put that in my heart and spirit and I have to follow Gods desires for me.  Right???  When I think about the kind of love I want to receive, the kind of love I have dreamed about my entire life, I know it is out there but this time I will be more careful with giving my love out. 

I will be like the great fishermen who cast their lines and are patiently waiting for that one big catch.  I know that one is out there, I will wait patiently for it.  But first, I need to get the map to where I will find that catch - what exactly am I looking for and how do I know that's what I really need?  Get my supplies for the catch - get my mind, body and spirit right.  Make sure I am everything I am expecting from this person.  So right now, I am clearing my mind from the hurt and pain of the ending of my marriage.  In the meantime, I am also preparing for my great fishing experience of catching the big one!


Peace and blessings
Monique Renee

Life

This week has been one helluva week!  I am going through an ugly very emotional separation which for sure is now going to be a divorce.  I was stuck with an apartment that is $550 more in rent than I had been paying, a car loan for a car I didn't want or need along with my own car that is paid off and ALL of the remaining bills. 

My ex used me and the sad part is I allowed him to use me.  I really loved him but I knew within the first six  months we were doomed as a couple.  He had no respect for me and it was always all about him.  He met me, hooked me and treated me good at first and then after we were married, all of the red flags were coming up.  He had no money, he couldn't do much for himself, he had major control issues and he has very little respect for women.  Yet, this man knew who I was and what I was about.  He met me while I was on vacation in Santorini, Greece.  I paid for my own trip by myself and went by myself!  I was happy!!!  Then he came along and changed my life for the worse.

The story of my entire life.  I give and give and give until I can't give any longer and then I'm stuck digging my way out of debt, emotional wounds that have been ripped open and whatever else comes with it.  I wish sometimes I could be like those women that only use people, are bitches and could care less what others thing.  I said this to a couple of friends and they laughed at me.  They said it isn't in my DNA.  They don't know my mother!!!  Yet, I know I have a compassionate heart and spirit and it is hard for me to be mean and ugly to people.  It is just not in me.    Now because every time HE wanted something, I did it to make him happy.  Not that it mattered he didn't do shit to make me happy.  I wasn't even getting sex on a regular basis!!

The car was put in my name as he had no credit.  We moved from the apartment I had that I could afford because he wanted a place that was "ours".  When I told him I no longer wanted to be married to him, he decided he didn't want the car.  So now I have it.  I found the apartment so he had to move.  Plus I love my little place.   I am debating to turn it in as a voluntary repossession or just keep it and suck it up.  I HATE this car.  I hate driving it, I hate that it was his and reminds me of his trifling ass everyday and I hate that I put my name on this car for him and yet he continually tells me the dissipation of our marriage is my fault - I hate everything this car stands for in my life. Also, the main reason is financially I am struggling with a few things because now everything is on me.

He paid the car note, lights, gas and cable.  I didn't realize what a difference those few hundred dollars made to my life.  Now that I am paying everything, I am struggling!

I feel like Djimon in Amistad "I WANT FREE"!  I want to be free of this pain, hurt, embarrassment and debt.  I have my own bills and things but this pain I am feeling is becoming too much. 

You would think going to work would help alleviate some of this but work is a story in and of itself.  It takes everything in me to get out of bed each morning to come to work.  My boss has no personal empathy or compassion.  He dismisses me like I'm garbage on skid row.  I work for  him but he could care less who I am as a human being and it is quite evident of that.  I know as he has said it to me many times regarding other employees that "we should be thankful we have a job".   What a wonderful boss right?  He has done some great things for this company but as a boss, I have no words.

What i'm going through personally is not good and I feel so trapped, confused and helpless.  I actually thought about taking my own life on Tuesday.  That is how helpless I felt.  While everyone is telling me, "just think positive, what would I do without you, that's not the way to go".....the feeling inside is how will I ever survive this pain, devastation and embarrassment.  The ex was given a job at the  place I work, he has some of the co-workers thinking I'm horrible (he cheated over and over with the same woman) and yet I'm the one crying everyday, all day and getting sick on a regular basis.  I just want my good life back.  I was so happy and free before I met him. 

So I promised myself I would write everyday, I would take the time to really, truly get to know ME again and not let suicidal thoughts come into my head.

I am a proud, Black Big Beautiful Woman and I deserve love, happiness and wealth.  I deserve it!!!

Peace and blessings
Monique

Life and what WE make it

It has been a while since I have written anything.  I promised myself that I would write everyday no matter what.  This is part of my goal to get my emotions out and not into my mouth.  For you you folks fighting food addiction, you know exactly what I mean.

So today I walked 1.5 miles.  YAHOO!!!  It has been years since I've a trail.  I've done the Walk Off the Pounds at home and it was nice but today a friend and I went to a trail and walked.  Now mind you, we are both big but he's a not as heavy as me and he's a lot more active than me.  Plus he's a man!!!  So I have a road ahead of me in the weight thing.

I am becoming more healthy each day.  I'm a big girl and I've been a big girl as long as I can remember but I don't feel sexy any longer.  I feel I'm too big now.  I want MY sexy back!

People have asked me how much weight to I want to get rid of.  I honestly can't answer that as I just want to be off of certain medications.  So for me I want to get rid of the extra weight that has me taking medications, making my heart beat faster and makes me sweat like I've run 10 miles and i've only walked 1.5 miles at a slow pace!  So I want to be healthy vs. skinny.

I could never be skinny as I love my curves.  How could I not love my curves, my beautiful smooth brown skin, full lips and sexy brown eyes.  This is a full package.  I like who I am but I am learning to LOVE who I am. 

Loving me means I am quitting smoking, eating what makes my body healthy, not heavy and knowing when to keep the wall up around those who won't love me the way I deserve.   That means loving me enough to say now.  Loving me enough to say I've had enough.  Loving me to say, "I like you but I'm not interested and I am secure enough to wait for the right man". 

So many big girls go with the first man that comes their way because they think they may never have better or no one will give them a second look.  Believe me, there is ALWAYS someone better for you out there if who are with is inconsiderate, selfish, doesn't take you around his friends or his family, or takes you out period, who only visits you in the evening, who asks you for money and truly shows you that he doesn't care.  No matter your size there is someone for everyone.

This is not some fairytale dream.  Even if you are a big girl, there are men who will love you for you.  I have never had a problem getting a man.  The problem has been the kind of man I caught!  Some were wonderful but we just didn't click.  Then there were those times I had a lack of judgment and found myself involved with someone who treated me bad.  Yet, now I understand I was ok with myself, most of them had their own self-esteem issues but put them off on me.  I also had one or two who got with me and THEN decided they wanted me to lose weight.  Needless to say, those relationships were over as soon as they mentioned my "being too big" for them.  There are men who will say it for the good reasons and those men are the ones that really love you.  I've had a few of those men as well. 

I could be one of those women who pretends that I don't need a man but I'm not that woman.  I want and need a man in my life.  I love being with men.  Yet, what does all of this mean.  I am getting myself into better shape because I'm back in the game of dating.  Plus I want to live a long life.  I'm 44 and don't want anyone to worry about having to take care of me anytime soon.  Now when I'm in 80's yes, I will want and need the help.  But at 44, 50 or 60 I want to be able to take care of myself health wise.  So that is exactly what I am doing.  Taking care of me in every single sense of the word.

Life is what I make of it and as of today, I choose to be happy, healthy and sexy!!!  What about you?

Peace and love

Love

I want to feel love to the core of my soul.  Like light clouds enveloping birds heading south in the soft billowy clouds, wrapping me with a wisp of a touch.  Love will touch my soul without the touch of a hand.  I know that love exists and I want it for myself.  They say if you give love you will get love.  Yet, I also now know that I must be wholly in love with myself to give that love.

Love is like the jamaican sun caressing my skin
Love is like a smooth, warm savory rum flowing down my throat
Love is like a nice smooth taste of a fine herb that covers your tongue, pallet and spirit
Love is the look from across the room with eyes that says I want you more than you could ever imagine
Love is when you feel the hairs on your neck rise just knowing the person your soul craves is near you
Love is when you know without a shadow of a doubt that it will be returned

Love
Love
Love

So many of us are searching for it but do we have it in us to give

Are we willing to love this person in spite of all of their flaws
Are we willing to be patient for them to work through their stuff
Are we willing to be there for them no matter what
Are we wiling to encourage, uplift and support even if we are not sure of their decision
Are we willing to just BE with the person our soul calls for

I say yes

Am I sure I can live up to that kind of love
Am I sure I want that kind of love

This I do know
I want to walk into the room and feel the love of my man embrace me with just his presence
I want to know that I am safe with him
I want to know he will protect me
I want to know he will profess his love to me and to any and every one
I want to know he will provide for me
I want to know he only wants me

No other woman makes his desire burn like I do
No other woman's voice caressing his ears the way my voice does
No other woman makes him feel the way I do

I want him to be all mine and mine only
I don't share
I won't share

I will comfort, support, and love you all of my days

I know you are out there and I am ready for you
I am waiting for you
Only you
Because you are the one that has my heart yearning for REAL true love
I know you exist
I wouldn't have this desire, this urge, the tugging at my spirit for what is missing

You are my spirit
You are my soul
I am here for you
Waiting for you
All you have to do is look
I'm here

I'm here


I'm here

This thing called "relationships"

Ok so today is the celebration of MLK and I am off from work. I have had a very nice full weekend. I am not lonely all of the time but this weekend I have felt quite lonely. Yet, I know in my heart this is not a lifetime sentence for me. I can't explain how I know this but I do know this without a shadow of a doubt. I just have to cleanse my mind and spirit from the men that have lingered in my spirit for way too long.

I am smart, beautiful, loving and kind. So why am I single right now? I know that I have to focus on getting me together and made whole. I have been a big girl as long as I can remember but I have never really lacked having a man in my life. Right now I have chosen to be single and without "a man" in my life.

Yes, I have been guilty of just having "some man" in life. I married my husband (whom I am separated from) I believe from desperation. OMG I have admitted this out loud and this will be in world wide web universe! But I have to be honest with myself and everyone if I want to have the life I want. Right?

I was about to turn 40, I hadn't had a real relationship in almost a year. So when I met him, he seemed to be really into me. The warning signs of him not being everything I wanted and needed in a man were there from the beginning but I chose to go with it and ignore these subtle signs. I love to go out to restaurants and have great conversations over drinks. He on the other hand was not a real talker. There was a bit of a language barrier but in my mind I told myself I would get over it. I like to keep my word and if I say I will do something, 9 out of 10 times I do. I also am a stickler about being on time. He wasn't.

Why did I overlook so many of the differences? I was turning 40, had never been married and I was a big girl. See for me being a big girl is not what the problem was in the desperation of wanting to be married. It was my age. I am a cute big girl and have always felt that way. I played a huge part in my marriage not working. I ignored many of the signs because I wanted someone on a permanent basis. Not someone that just comes and goes as he wants but someone who really wants to be with me and SHOWS it.

My husband showed it in the beginning of the relationship. Once we were married EVERYTHING changed. I do mean everything. Call me naive but I thought this is what happens in marriages, things change. When you have not grown up without positive, loving marriages around you it is hard to know what it is supposed to be. I knew in my mind I wanted a loving, kind, sexually insatiable, funny husband to share my life with. Did I see this first hand growing up? No. But in my mind, I would have this kind of marriage and God would make it work if I truly believed it could happen. Boy was I wrong!!!

Marriage is not easy if you two are not honest with each other and most importantly, honest with yourself in what you want in a marriage. You must be friends first!! I can't say that enough, be friends first. Know what you really want and need.

So why am I self reflecting now? Because in order for me to have the relationship I want, I have to be truly honest with what went wrong with the last one and I have to be honest with myself of what I really want in a relationship. That's the hard part...what do I really want in a relationship? Well, I am still working on that. I will let you know as soon as I know. I am a work in progress and this blog is part of my process.

Life and love are sometimes very hard but the reality is, WE make it hard. So now, I am working to allow life to happen and quit getting in my own way. How about that?!??!!!

Peace and love
Monique Renee

BBW and Men!!!

I'm a very cute big gurl and I love who I am. I am not as healthy as I use to be but I'm working on it. I am not a size 12 big gurl I am a 22/24 - 26/28 big girl. I have been big as long as I could remember and I have NEVER thought I wasn't cute. Hey let's face it, I am cute. But I don't feel as sexy now.

I am going through a separation and it's not as easy. Yet, I know I'm still cute. I don't feel as sexy but I am working on that.

What I wanted to write about is MEN!! Ok just because I am a big girl I am not desperate for a Man. I have always had attractive men on my arm. I have never really had a problem getting a man. Yet, I now know how the big gurls with really low self-esteem kind of feel like because I feel almost invisible to men.

I blame it on my age. I am 44 years old and not as young as I use to be but I still love all of the things I use to. So this one man who I have known for a few years ( I dated him a while ago) has come back into my life. We are both going through some relationship things but this dude just flakes and falls off of the face of the earth. Is he walking the talk? Hell NO!!!

He constantly tells me he misses me and that he really wants to be with me, not just a part of me but ALL of me. So he flaked a few weeks ago and I kind of blew him off. Well then he started calling (cell, home and work) and texting me everyday for the last three days. Well I decide, ok I will give him another chance. He said he wanted to go to dinner and then us hang out together and talk. I said ok. I also told him if he's going to be my friend I need to be his friend as well. I also told him he is not showing me he wants to be with me. He must convince me he really wants to be with me.

I had to work late, so I called him and told him to go ahead and have dinner but I will call when I get home. I get home, call him and he calls back saying he's on his way. I shower, light candles and relax and then an hour later he calls me saying he can't make it. He had another engagement with his family that he forgot about.

Should I give him another chance or kick him to the curb?

Let me know your thoughts!

MR

Rejuvenation

It is a new year and a new life for me. I went alone to Montego Baby, Jamaica to rejuvenate my mind, body and spirit. Right before the trip I found myself becoming nervous and I didn't understand it. Yet, in a way in my heart I knew I did. I really was starting my life over after a brief marriage. It was scary and exciting at the same time. I prayed and truly meditated over ending the marriage and it wasn't easy to do so but I did end it. It still hurts from time to time but it was best for me to move on.

Some how I thought going to Jamaica would make me feel like a beautiful, smart, capable woman again. That wasn't the purpose of the trip I have come to figure out. I will always be beautiful, smart and capable of whatever I need to do. This trip was about forgiveness and letting go of the anger and bitterness of the marriage. I thought I was over being angry and I wasn't. I thought I was happy but I wasn't.

Now I am back home and I have come to realize, happiness truly comes from within and no matter what, we must all find it! Embrace happiness and enjoy it. Laugh at the silly stuff. Eat the piece of cake. Too many "I can't" will lead you to a miserable life. Enjoy the life God has blessed you with.

Even if you are alone, God is always with you. It make not be the strong arms that you want embracing you at night but you are taken care of.

Get to know yourself so when the right person does come along there will be no question as to if this is the right person or not. Love should not be hard. Love is very simple and easy.

May love find us each and everyday throughout our lives.

Peace and blessings!