Just for today

I took the original Just for Today and changed it a bit to fit me.  I have told myself over and over in the last few months that I am ok and I am not.  Going through a break-up of a marriage is very hard.  Even if you know it's for the best, it is still very hard to deal with.  The emotional impact it has on a persons spirit, self-esteem and image of who they are to the core is VERY hard.

I waited so long to get married and when I did, I thought it would be forever.  It wasn't to be for me.
I know this ending of my marriage will be good for me in the long run but is hard as hell to deal with some days.  Yet, every morning I wake up, I thank God that I did wake up because it gives me another day to become stronger and better.  That is the easy part.  The hard part is actually getting out of the bed and moving around to get ready for work.

I had not cleaned my house in almost two weeks.  That is not me at all!  I just didn't care at all.  On Tuesday night, I cared.  I cleaned the entire house, cleaned out the fridge, and two closets.  I truly felt so much better in my spirit after cleaning my house.  I woke up yesterday feeling great and clearer about my next steps to recovery from the break-up.  A clean house = a clear mind!!!

Here is my version of Just for today:

Just for today, I will love myself.

Just for today, I will be happy. The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.  ~Author Unknown

Just for today, I will treat myself with dignity, praise and compassion.

Just for today, I will read some knowledge and express it.

Just for today, I will take 30 minutes out of the day to write.  Journaling, blogging, notations for spiritual work…..I will write.

Just for today, I will work my life program.  I will eat healthy food.  I will exercise for at least 30 minutes.  I will take care of the vessel that holds my soul. (this hasn't really began...lol...God is still working with me on this one)

Just for today, I will send a card, note, email to someone that compliments them in some way.

Just for today, I will love myself.

Just for today, I will know that I am loved and protected.

Just for today, I will be positive with everyone I come in contact with.  I will see only the good in the person.  No matter how small the good may be. (I had NO idea how hard this one would be)

Just for today, I will keep the negativity away from me.  I will not allow anyone to speak badly of another person around me.  I will not speak badly of anyone.

Just for today, I will not allow anyone to mistreat me, speak down to me or not give me respect the way I deserve.

Just for today, I will love myself.

I have to keep reminding myself to love me first!   I've given my love away for so many years to people who did not deserve it.  That includes family members.  Someone said to me the other day that they felt Oprah wasn't going to ever be happy until she made things right with her parents.  I don't feel that way at all.  People don't understand, if you grew up with a loving mother and/or father you will never know what it's like to have a mother, the one that carried you and raised you treat you like the dirt on her shoe.  Love is patient and kind - not mean and hateful.  Not every mother is the same, nor is every father.  I feel Oprah helping her parents at all is such a wonderful thing to do.  She doesn't have to do anything for them at all but she does.  That's because of the giving spirit she has.

I never knew my father but I did grow up with my mother.  It was not easy growing up with her.  I use to try everything I could to  be a good girl so she would not be angry with me or beat me.  It never worked.  I ate for comfort and here I am now at the weight I am...320.4 pounds.  Crazy huh?  I try so hard to be strong and act like none of these things bother me but it does.  I get sad, I eat.  I am happy, I eat.  Just because, I eat.  Food has been my mother, my father, my friend for so many years that it is hard to break this relationship most of all.  I'm a sugar addict.  Donuts, cakes, cinnamon rolls, ice cream, cookies and candy.   Then I have to work with people who are skin and bones and have the nerve to be on a diet.  REALLY???!!!??!!!

Besides the weight thing, all I've ever wanted in my entire life is to be loved so much that I would feel it to the core of my spirit and know that I am loved and protected.  Because I want that, I give that kind of love.  I give love and expect that same love back.  Yet, I have learned that is thinking logically which is not never showed love or care.  Me and my siblings had to fight for survival each and every day.  I often wondered did she have a heart.  She wasn't raised that way at all.  My grandmother was very loving and kind.  

My sister and brother say I'm sensitive.  Hell yes I am.  See I was the one that got beat if THEY did something wrong.  I was the one that got yelled at because I wasn't watching my siblings like I should.  I was 6 years old.  I wasn't a mother, I was a child.

So now I am protecting that child and letting her know I've got her back 100% and I will take care of her.  I had to give up my marriage that had no reciprocal love.  I deserve someone better.  God put that in my heart and spirit and I have to follow Gods desires for me.  Right???  When I think about the kind of love I want to receive, the kind of love I have dreamed about my entire life, I know it is out there but this time I will be more careful with giving my love out. 

I will be like the great fishermen who cast their lines and are patiently waiting for that one big catch.  I know that one is out there, I will wait patiently for it.  But first, I need to get the map to where I will find that catch - what exactly am I looking for and how do I know that's what I really need?  Get my supplies for the catch - get my mind, body and spirit right.  Make sure I am everything I am expecting from this person.  So right now, I am clearing my mind from the hurt and pain of the ending of my marriage.  In the meantime, I am also preparing for my great fishing experience of catching the big one!


Peace and blessings
Monique Renee

Life

This week has been one helluva week!  I am going through an ugly very emotional separation which for sure is now going to be a divorce.  I was stuck with an apartment that is $550 more in rent than I had been paying, a car loan for a car I didn't want or need along with my own car that is paid off and ALL of the remaining bills. 

My ex used me and the sad part is I allowed him to use me.  I really loved him but I knew within the first six  months we were doomed as a couple.  He had no respect for me and it was always all about him.  He met me, hooked me and treated me good at first and then after we were married, all of the red flags were coming up.  He had no money, he couldn't do much for himself, he had major control issues and he has very little respect for women.  Yet, this man knew who I was and what I was about.  He met me while I was on vacation in Santorini, Greece.  I paid for my own trip by myself and went by myself!  I was happy!!!  Then he came along and changed my life for the worse.

The story of my entire life.  I give and give and give until I can't give any longer and then I'm stuck digging my way out of debt, emotional wounds that have been ripped open and whatever else comes with it.  I wish sometimes I could be like those women that only use people, are bitches and could care less what others thing.  I said this to a couple of friends and they laughed at me.  They said it isn't in my DNA.  They don't know my mother!!!  Yet, I know I have a compassionate heart and spirit and it is hard for me to be mean and ugly to people.  It is just not in me.    Now because every time HE wanted something, I did it to make him happy.  Not that it mattered he didn't do shit to make me happy.  I wasn't even getting sex on a regular basis!!

The car was put in my name as he had no credit.  We moved from the apartment I had that I could afford because he wanted a place that was "ours".  When I told him I no longer wanted to be married to him, he decided he didn't want the car.  So now I have it.  I found the apartment so he had to move.  Plus I love my little place.   I am debating to turn it in as a voluntary repossession or just keep it and suck it up.  I HATE this car.  I hate driving it, I hate that it was his and reminds me of his trifling ass everyday and I hate that I put my name on this car for him and yet he continually tells me the dissipation of our marriage is my fault - I hate everything this car stands for in my life. Also, the main reason is financially I am struggling with a few things because now everything is on me.

He paid the car note, lights, gas and cable.  I didn't realize what a difference those few hundred dollars made to my life.  Now that I am paying everything, I am struggling!

I feel like Djimon in Amistad "I WANT FREE"!  I want to be free of this pain, hurt, embarrassment and debt.  I have my own bills and things but this pain I am feeling is becoming too much. 

You would think going to work would help alleviate some of this but work is a story in and of itself.  It takes everything in me to get out of bed each morning to come to work.  My boss has no personal empathy or compassion.  He dismisses me like I'm garbage on skid row.  I work for  him but he could care less who I am as a human being and it is quite evident of that.  I know as he has said it to me many times regarding other employees that "we should be thankful we have a job".   What a wonderful boss right?  He has done some great things for this company but as a boss, I have no words.

What i'm going through personally is not good and I feel so trapped, confused and helpless.  I actually thought about taking my own life on Tuesday.  That is how helpless I felt.  While everyone is telling me, "just think positive, what would I do without you, that's not the way to go".....the feeling inside is how will I ever survive this pain, devastation and embarrassment.  The ex was given a job at the  place I work, he has some of the co-workers thinking I'm horrible (he cheated over and over with the same woman) and yet I'm the one crying everyday, all day and getting sick on a regular basis.  I just want my good life back.  I was so happy and free before I met him. 

So I promised myself I would write everyday, I would take the time to really, truly get to know ME again and not let suicidal thoughts come into my head.

I am a proud, Black Big Beautiful Woman and I deserve love, happiness and wealth.  I deserve it!!!

Peace and blessings
Monique